| Halloween!!! |
I'm suppose to be working on a online project right now but the will to do it is lost. First of all, I'm no way at all a certified designer. I'm self-taught which means either I do things the hard way or stumbling through the dark. I'm taking online classes with Hewirtt-Packard: (*Spelling mistakes? We do _not_ care! :P*) Programming, Web-Page Design, and Adobe Basics. Not bad considering they're for free! ^_^ The only thing I hate about online classses is that I can't actually _see_ what's being taught. I mean, sure, they have neat little pictures with tons of captions but I'm a person that needs to see something in order to learn it properly. Another thing I hate about classes?
Arrogant people who think they know it all. They really turn me off. I hate the way they show off.
It's like, back when I was taking college courses. (*Before I stupidly dropped-out*) The weeks go by you and you start to notice these certain people... How do I explain it? Mmhhmmmm they're snobby and stuck-up. I suppose that'll do. o_O Anyways, it's not because of their looks or anything, Lord knows they're dog-ugly, but that's besides the point here. :D It's because of their "study" attitude. They come to class thinking they're all hot and trying to outdo other people by showing off how much they know when in reality they need to check themselves twice because those mensos don't know a single thing!
People like that make me sick. Especially if for example, a 70 yr. old grandfather asks a question on the message board and its a good question too but then this know-it-all comes on and answers his question back in this "It's this way and that's-that" stupid sort of tone. Crap like that really gets to me and unfortunately ends up hurting the grandfather's feelings. Then the poor grandfather swears off ever asking a question ever again because of what happened! People take classes to learn not to deal with trash talk.
I swear, some people like that should get their attitude pried out of their arses. -_-
Leave me a comment?
Anyways, (*laughs*) Jennifer decided to surprise us with her culinary abilities. She served up what looked liked a perfectly cooked goose, with all the trimmings. We sat around with our mouths watering as she approached with the bird, carving knife in hand. However as the knife pierced the skin the goose popped and we were all showered with hot goose fat, all over our clothes (*It was bad because some of us wore strapless dresses*), and for some in their hair. O_O I suppose I can laugh about it now, but at the time someone could have gotten badly burnt. T_T Not that we rubbed it in her face or anything it wasn't her fault at all. Jennifer just didn't not know that you had to pierce the skin prior to cooking to let the fat run out.
^_^; Silly goose. Leave me a comment?
Argh!
I just spent two hours stripping my Pitas blog of all the HTML coding and then pressed the "edit" button to format the Pitas blog when I discovered that the bloody thing only edited one entry! How was I suppose to know the editor couldn't format muliple entries at once? There are no user manuels or FAQs to help you with that sort of thing unlike Ujournal. (*Sighs*) Oh well. I'm all done now. @_@New Layout and after this month is over I'll archive everything and start anew again. Hmm I just got an idea for my RPG group... Ehh anyways, it's still early in the morn so I'll be back to blog something later. ^_^
Now if you stayed then you're truly a devoted fan and I love you for it. Onto other stuffies:
I came across this website that lists childhood beliefs and categorizes them in one spot. This one just caught my eye because it made me laugh. ^_^
While visiting relatives, I was standing in the kitchen while the moms were frying chicken. Some flour fell on my back. My uncle walked by and said that it would eat a hole in my skin. I was unsure if it was true, but I spent the whole day in fear and secretly tried to find mirrors that would let me look at my back and see the hole being created. A few times I could swear I saw it. Later that day I was obviously sad. My mom asked what was wrong. I told her. She laugh and said he was kidding...but I was skeptical...maybe he know something that she didn't...
<
So then ˇSnap! ˇSnap! I took a couple piccies of him. That gave me a giggle and I went back to taking pictures of my toy collection for my 80s Y!group. But then I hear him stirring in bed and when I turn around he was on his left side and had un-covered his rear!
James (my husband) then said, "Why don't you take a couple pictures of this for posterity!"
(*LAUGHS*) I can't tell you how much I was laughing! My sides were hurting and my eyes were tearing up from how hard I laughed. ^_____^ So I took the snapshots of his tight rear end and informed him as serious as I could (*I was still laughing my ass off btw*) that these pictures were going to be put up on my personal website and shown at the 80s group.
James's response was to flip over onto his back and (*cough*)strut his stuff(*cough*) right on the bed!Oi! So yeah, I took a couple pictures of that part too... Hey, hey! No way I'm putting those pictures up on my site!!!!! Where's your sense of decency people?!! For shame, for shame... ^___~
Of course I knew it wouldn't last for long at all. You see, tomorrow is my father's birthday. Let's see...if I do the math...he'll be 51 yrs. old. Of course, if you ask him he'll say that he's only 35 yrs. old the bloody liar. I hate him. I really _really_ hate him. He's the wolf in sheeps clothing that a person hears about from friends to watch out for. He is my boogeyman, the stuff of nightmares that I just wish would go away. He is the destroyer. The end all of everything I had once thought to be true. He is my father...not my daddy...just my father.
My daddy died the day he completely abandoned me, my 3 yr. old brother and my beautiful mother. That day, man, I remember it like no other. You see, he was the bread winner. The super macho Mexican that couldn't stand to see his wife succeed at anything even a simple day job. He deliberately made my mother drop her career as a successful dance teacher in Durango, Mexico in order to take up an apron and spatula here in the States. Our story goes way deeper then anything else but this is what I can stand to type down right now. My father made a good portion of money. He earned about $2800 a month and we always had what we wanted. Things went downhill the moment my mother discovered that he stopped paying the house payment for six months. We had the dreaded repossession/eviction notice in our hands. My mother could not understand what was going on and then began to sort through the credit card statements. My father had over-maxed each and every card and also taken out a second mortagage on the house in order to gain a huge loan. For what, you ask? Take a good guess. It's easy. The signs are all there...my father the pentagon of virtue and good morals was an adulterer. A full blown adulterer that did several whores behind my mother's back despite the 22 yr. anniversary that was coming up just a month before he decided to leave.
Well, anyways, hell what _was_ my point? Oh yes, my happy day turning to crap because of tomorrow. My father was not only an adulterer but also a physical and mental abuser. My older brother and sister usually got the most violent brunt of his attacks but I got my fair share of hits and insults as I grew up. You see, the more I became aware of how he truly was and the less his lies could convince me otherwise of his stupidity towards my family...the more he hated me. It wasn't soon after I turned 10 did he completely denounce me as his daughter. From day to night I suddenly became the accidental result of a un-passionate night between my mother and another man. I'm sure. -__- My dear mother to this day loves that bastard. She is the most forgiving, sweetest, innocent, and also most tragic woman I have ever met. What she tells me about her feelings towards that man both touches and also shatters my heart. She says, "To love is to love for a lifetime. Once you love a person it is for eternity, regardless. I love only one man and can't ever love another. I will always love only your father."
You see? Can you even _begin_ to understand what that means? My mother's goodness was wasted on a low-life loser that didn't even know how to appreciate how precious she was. Instead, he insulted her, molded her to what he wanted, made her think she was crazy, stupid, useless. He hit her once, he raped her once, he forced her to abort once. This is my father...and I hate him....but at the same time I can't stop loving him. Stupid, ne? Somewhere, deep, deep inside I keep searching for a bit of good inside. I keep _hoping_ that one day I'll find that man I admired and wanted to make proud. I keep hoping...just like my mother does each day, that he'll turn around and say that he's sorry for all of the pain and turmoil he had put us through. Who cares that we lived on the streets after we were left with nothing after he abandoned us. Who cares that we ate the fruit off the back of our trees until my mother was able to get food stamps. Who cares that he beat the crap out of us all and never let one second of the day go without reminding us of how incredibly stupid or useless we were. Who cares...he was only the man I thought to be the most greatest person in the world. He was my idol. A smart, artistic, well-mannered, individual with a strong sense of honor. He taught me everything about drawing, martial arts, scruples, ethics, education, politics, etc...
I was his little girl and he was my daddy. Until one day I found out exactly who he was. It was about a week and a half after the day that he finally decided to leave. We didn't know the reason why until...
It was the day I was at his apartment for the night and awoke to a loud rapping on the door. My parents were seperated but not divorced at that time. So my younger brother and I visited him for a day or two. He lived in a small apartment with only one bedroom so I was in the living room sleeping on the couch. When the door opened I heard a lusty giggle and smelled the foul stench of strong alcohol enter the apartment. Suddenly, before my eyes some wench was throwing herself on my father and showering him with deep kisses and spanish words with sexual meaning. I was 12...and my entire world shattered. Ended. Died. Everything I knew just crumbled. That was the first day I felt _rage_ and also the last time I felt _anything_ at all. My father tried to pull a lame excuse about the woman and took her outside. I peered through the living room window and caught him kissing the whore passionately while saying to her that I was his daughter and wasn't "informed" of his life with her. I don't know how it happened but I was on my feet and out the door. The whore didn't know what hit her because quite literally I took her down and I swear, I wanted to kill her and yes, I tried. A fight isn't a fun thing but I pratically reveled in the sight of seeing her blood gushing all over her face, down her nose, mouth, on my hands, on my clothes... I would have killed her if he hadn't pulled me off. You see, that was the end all of our daddy to daughter relationship. He yanked me off and then tossed me to the side. He yelled at _me_ and not the woman. He told _me_ that I had to leave not the woman. I was 12 and I lost all sense of myself. I couldn't understand why he would choose that piece of slut over his own flesh and blood but then in a way I was glad. I grabbed my backpack and hoofed it all the way back home in the middle of night. I never wanted to see him again. Unfortunately, I did. It was several years later that we met again but that's another story and one that I can't fathom typing down until I can figure it out myself.
So what was my point? I was happy today...until I thought about my father. But you know what? My daddy died the day he touched another woman instead of my mother. My daddy died the day he denounced his family for a night of raunchy sex with a prostitute. My daddy died the moment he hit us. My daddy died a long time ago. That man, that thing I call my father...? He isn't my daddy.
My Father killed my daddy. The bastard. I'll never forgive him for it.
I'm at odds with myself on that issue. On one hand I want to go the extra nine yards and attempt to make my personal site known in an even wider circle but then that would mean changing a great deal of things on the site itself. The other hand is pratically telling me that if a visitor doesn't like what I already have on it then they aren't the kind of visitor I want to attract to my site. What should a person choose? To be honest with themselves and gain just a few hits each day or maybe not even a single one... or a total revamp of style/content in order to make a vie for the popular ring of sites out there? Take a second and think about it for yourself. Do you journal/blog/update or design your websites each day for the sole purpose of satisfying yourself or do you do it to hopefully gain more people to your site? What should I do? Listen to the call for possible popularity or sit back and enjoy my one hit a day personal site?
Moved
I've decided to try out uJournal.org and have set up camp there for now. This may or may not be a permanent move but for the moment I'm blogging here:
Sure, I keep getting put down but now I'm learning to get right back up. Screw whoever wants to cause me harm and make me feel bad. They can shove their jealous arses up their throats and choke on their venomous words because I simply do_not_care_ anymore. My life, is my life. I'll do what I want with it and live it how I see fit. Don't Worry. Be happy. Yeah, who ever thought Bobby McFaren had the key all along with that late 80's catchy song? I didn't. Until now that is. ^_____^
So you expect not to get paid for this but you do want to hear at least a 'thank-you' or 'thanks for doing this for me!' or something! Nada. Zip. Zilch. I don't get a single thank-you or even a nice comment. Is that being selfish? No. I don't think so. The clencher is that these people then have the audacity to ask for more. Well, no! I'm tired of it! I'm tired of putting forth effort for these people and not even getting a single thank-you or wow that's great! Same thing with my online groups. I get complaints about not being able to see webpages, bios, pictures, I-frames, polls, and I go out of my way to take down everything, change it, fix it, explain it, and put it up again only what do I get? More complaints, more whining, more bitching, sarcasm, under-appreciation, and basically jack-shit nothing but straightout moronic behavior.
Why am I so bitter about it? Well, this sort of thing has been going on for about 2 years. A person gets tired of it after a while. Phew. Talk about a mini-rant. Next blog entry--adventures in Target land. o_O
»light text on dark backgrounds annoys me to no end, especially white-on-black. If there's something I want to read, I'll highlight the text to get black-on-white (the easiest on the eyes), but I shouldn't have to.
Eight different people placed comments on his entry and seven protested about this topic. One was just a suck-up in my opinion. -___- At any rate, if we choose to put white text on a black background then it's _our_ choice. It all comes down to whether a webmaster/mistress wants to please themselves or their viewers. I covered that before so I won't bore you all with the details again. I know that I've done tons of white text on a black background or gray text on my websites. Sure, there are other colors out there but if my picture doesn't have any yellow, orange, or blue in it and only black, gray, silver, and white colors; I'll use white, gray, silver, and black. Tis my choice and to be honest I want to tell this person that if he doesn't like a site that he visits...he can just close the little "X" in the upper-right corner of his browser and _leave_.
i'm an eyeshadow.
I'm eyeshadow, ne? ^___^
Phew! For a moment I thought I lost FTP access to my personal site! I kept wondering why my updates weren't showing up and get this; it was because I wasn't uploading my content page! O_O; I don't know why but I kept thinking my main page was the content page. What the HFIL was I thinking?! (*Laughs*) Talk about being a bakana. Argh, stop laughing! It was a simple mistake! ^_~
Ara, ok, ok. I just had a major fight with my husband. He did something to me that I didn't appreciate (*will not disclose that detail*) and I slapped him across the face. hard. My hand was stinging really fierce and when I looked up at his face...my slap actually turned his head to the side. What happened next really scared the $hit out of me. James, (*my husband's name*) turned his head slowly to glare at me and then out of nowhere his hand shot out and he started to choke me! Oh God, I was so terrified that he would start hitting me with his fists. My father was a verbal and physical abuser. My childhood was not a very pleasant one and the last thing I want is to go through that again. What really saddens me is that James _promised_ that would never happen between us but I'm beginning to wonder...
He's become very distant, angry, and controlling. I don't know. James is getting out of hand lately. I'm a fan of horror movies. I like them, can't help it. Whenever James isn't home I watch them to my heart's content. But when he comes home and I'm watching them he rips the remote from my hands and changes the channel without saying a single word. Then there's the matter with my rpgs. I posted the other day that I wanted to bring in a new character and do you know what he said? "Why don't you _wait_ before you bring in somebody else." See, it doesn't read so bad to you does it? To me, it did. Just imagine a very angry face with a _I can't believe you're doing this, stupid!_ tone of voice. (*Sighs*) Never mind...I can deal with this...
I hope.
To help attact money towards you, cast this spell on the night of a full or waxing moon.
You will need:
Purchase a small piece of pyrite from a crystal shop. Light a green candle and place the pyrite on a table with three coins nearby. Pick up the coins in your hands and try to feel a warm, soothing energy around you as you say:
May all that I give
and all that I recieve
return threefold to the world
and threefold to me
Then throw the coins onto the table as you focus your thoughts on the money you desire. Wrap up the pyrite and coins in a green cloth, and as you blow out the candle say:
And so shall it be
Everyone needs money nowadays right? Especially with the most famous season of all coming up in two months. I know I'll certainly need it because my shopping excursions are bloody expensive! Well, if you have an open-mind and want to try something out take a moment to visit my personal site. I'm going to put up a money spell after I finish here. Uh-oh, what the heck are you doing?! You're a---
I'm a Catholic and a Christian. My father was the devoted Christian and my mother a Catholic. Since neither could decide on what religion to teach me; they raised me on both. The thing was, is that I'm a believer but not a belonge type of a person. I believe myself to be more versatile and open-minded that way. Actually, what's funny is that my father once told me that I was never his child. My mother told me that my father was a total bastard for saying such a rude thing. Eventually we figured out that he was actually referring to himself as an adulterer. Oho, anyways... My mother told me something precious. She said, that I'm half-angel because I was born from her womb and half-demonic because I am a part of my father. Made of Heaven and Hell. A girl made to walk the thin line between good and evil. ^__^ I love her dearly. ^__^ Anyways, if anyone is interested then by all means visit Ryuuko!
don't take everything away
would you please give me a little more leeway, a little more tenderness
don't let me suffer alone
\ All I want is to be wanted. Is that too much to ask? All I want is to feel _needed_. Is that selfish? All I want is to be loved, to be told that I'm beautiful, that I'm an okay person. Is that wrong? All I want is peace.
I live to die.
Ever since I was old enough to feel emotions I wanted to shut them out. The moment I first experienced pain...I wanted to disappear from this world. I don't feel happy, I am always scared. Afraid to show the world who I truly am behind all of these faces. Frightened to even attempt to do anything outside of these four walls. There is so much to do, to see, and experience but its all wasting away. I can't leave. I just can't.
I am the world's greatest rper.
It's not arrogance. It's not how it seems. Words are deceiving, just like me. How many times has someone visited my journal and start to think they are beginning to understand who I am? How many times have people talked to me and start to think I am who I say I am? How many times have I deceived you? How many?
Plenty. I hide behind a million faces and make up more as I go along. Show a person what _they_ want to see and they'll never look beneath the surface. Tell me who you want me to be and I'll create that illusion within seconds. Why? Just because. I have discovered at an early age that being myself isn't enough. After so many years of repeated betrayel, abuse, sadness, anger, frustration... wearing different masks is the only way for me to stomach the truth.
I'm a lie--and role-playing is what I do. Not so much for the deception itself or the protection or even the thrill...but for the art of doing it...because I can... and because I'm good.
Alrighty, onto the mini rant of the day. I happened to come across a PSD website that hosted a small blog on their main page. I'm a curious lady so I just had to read and see if other people's lives were currently as lousy as mine was. Instead I read this:
This is just a note, that I will be working on my upcoming sites and projects now. I won't be posting again until I have a satisfied amount of comments. :P So make some. Otherwise, I'm not blogging or updating..
For crying out loud! Talk about an estupida bakana!!! Does this person _honestly_ think that by forcing people to comment on their tagboard/greymatter/guestbook (*using small threats even*) will _get_ them _actual honest to goodness_ comments or compliments?! How juvenile can a person get?! Well, that was my first reaction. My second reaction was to try and put myself into their shoes. I still do not understand where the satisfaction comes from getting forced commentary. If a person wants to comment/critque/compliment they will do so on their own accord. Well, okay, maybe not. I do know that people will shy away from guestbooks and tagboards for some unknown reason. However, I also partially understand that maybe the pop clique webmistress just feels that her visitors is what gives her inspiration or drive to continue on with her website. Bleh, whatever. It's one thing to want someone to sign your guestbook and it's another matter to force people to do so. If a person asks me to sign because they want feedback or some loving then that's one thing. I will not do it because someone threatened to never blog again. To me, that would be a big waste of my time and I would stop visiting their site. o_O
I took a quiz.
What's YOUR Inner Hair Color?
(*Laughs*) I've been called a lot of things in my life but a Inner Blonde?! Far from it, actually. People say that Blondes get the best in life and are able to be carefree. I can assure you that I am the most boring and un-interesting female on the face of this planet! Well, come to think of it I shouldn't be too suprised since these quizzes are made just for fun. ^_^ I did laugh a lot and my (*ahem*)supportive husband(*ahem*) made fun of me after reading the results. M'lord called me a dippy _guera_ behind my back all day today. He's so mean sometimes. T_T
Last but not least I just found out something really kawaii from a site called Dodo. It read and I quote:
believe it or not the sound "pikachu" actually means "butt ball" in mandarin chinese. ask anyone who speaks mandarin.
Hahah! I absolutely need to verify this and so I am going to ask an online friend whose Y!ID is Aera_Yamateo and see if it's true! Can you imagine? "I choose you, buttball!" (*laughs*) Ehhh anyways, this person >>-->Yamateo has a twin brother that goes by the ID Bardaku. I never would have believed it but they had a webcam set up and sat together while they both chatted with me! Plus, Yamateo even put up a picture of him and his brother at one of my OOC groups to boot! (*Sighs lustfully*) If I was single and wanted to take a trip down to Taiwan just to meet two fine specimen of men...I'd be there in a flash. ^_______^ Ack, it's five minutes past three in the _morning_! I should be asleep or something. (*glances over to bed where a sleeping dragon lies.*) Oho, nevermind. It seems like M'lord has taken up the entire bed again. (*Growls*) Time for a rude awakening. Muhahaha! =^.^=
"Yes. I know."
"He's getting away further and further from you. If you let him stray..."
"I know."
"No, you don't. You should be by his side. Dress up, do your hair, look pretty for him. He's going to leave..."
(*Pauses*) "Yes, I know."
"
"Good. Let him. That's what I want."
(*Silence*) Allright...but don't say that I didn't warn you. It won't be _good_ when you realize he left you."
(*Walks away*) "I know..."
--- A real life conversation with my mother.
Ohh got your attention there didn't I? ^_~ Anyways, I've been busy. Working on websites and groups here and there. This is funny, not in a _ha-ha_ sort of way but in as _un-huh_ sort of way. I was told in an email that I neglect my groups members. I'm not going to say who said this because I believe in absolute confidentiality. However, personally speaking... I _have_ a life. I have a husband to take care of and pay attention to. A household to keep. Places, family, and people to hang out with or just be with. The internet is _not_ my only means of escape. I _choose_ to be on the Net and I _choose_ to host several message forums and rpgs because I think it is fun. Something to do with my spare time. It's a chance to interact and get to know different people. The bloody hell I neglect my f'n groups. I put forth 150% more effort into my rpgs/forums then anyone else I've known. I don't have to put up websites. I don't have to update the club description and appearance each month. I don't have to plug members clubs/websites. I don't have to make them banners, layouts or whatever. I don't have to respond to my members OOC comments and I don't have to do the various other things that comes with being a owner. I don't have to but I do it because _I want_ to. There's a huge bloody difference. Huge.
(*sighs*) That's enough of that crap. It's the weekend and I'm suppose to be on my founder mini vacation. No wait, I do have to rant about one more thing. I hate members who email me to bitch about my _supposed_ neglection and don't even take the time to post themselves. What makes things worse is that this same-said person doesn't even post more then one line at a day. They probably never even heard of interaction nor detail. Cripes, this has me frustrated. I'm off for today. It's over. I'm going to go soak in the spa.
No. I don't have that mood often, ne? Sheesh.
I'm deliberately keeping myself busy. Going out, partying, just losing(not loosing ^_~) it all over loud music and bright club lights. Dance the night away and just drown yourself in nothing but rhythm and music. Aside from that I'm discovering that I'm not as stupid as I thought I was. When you're told everyday of your young life that dirt is a helluva lot smarter than you. A great deal of those harsh lies are believed. Especially if they come from someone you are _suppose_ to look up to. My father, (*shakes head*) what a guy... Anyways, I've learned that if I honestly put my mind to something. I can actually do it. What a feeling. To just _know_ that you can do something cool by just putting in honest effort. I don't know ... it just feels _right_.
It's pratically 1:00 a.m. I'm not tired by a longshot but I need to get off my kawaii duff and start finishing up a few online/personal projects. One of which is putting a stop to the __Urban Barbarian's__ antics before he breaks something expensive!!! o_O
A fitting and stupid end for an equally weak girl. My appointment with the gyn was non-existant. The fear was too much for me to bear and I ran like a frightened little two year old. I stalled. I did _everything_ in my power to avoid going to that appointment. Silly girl... who cares if you're in pain? Who cares that you only delayed the inevitable? Who cares... certainly not I. My life, is worthless. My dreams, my hopes, they are all un-attainable. Why is this? Simply because I have _stopped_ caring. I have _stopped_ believing in myself. I have simply given up.
I use to think I could do it all. I use to believe that I was capable of doing great things. I even once thought that I could have been anything that I wanted to be. Laugh. Laugh at me because I was so deluded it now sickens me. This weak, stupid, old woman who can't do a single damn thing right. Laugh. It's funny. Can't you tell? It's funny.
To add to all the fun in my life. My clubs are falling apart. My pride and joy. My babies. They are now simply yet another DBZ/SM rpg. One of possibly thousands of rpgs out there. I prided myself on those clubs because they were _unique_. I cherished these clubs because I brought them up from a single count up to 640+ members. But I would give them all up in a heartbeat if I could have _back_ what I lost. The fun, the excitement, the adventure. All gone. Poof! Up in smoke and burning to black ashes before my very eyes. A person asks, "So why don't you _do_ something about it?" My answer is because I am _tired_ of putting forth the extra effort and only being kicked down, insulted, opposed, and basically thwarted at each turn by some members, my co-founders... I am _tired_. There was nothing I couldn't fix. That use to be my motto but now everything is beyond me and is to the point that I am just ready to close everything down and get away.
Now, before I get yet another email that tells me how sad and pathetic I am for not taking control of my life and ditching my un-supportive husband. Let me just state that I am _not_ a quitter. I am simply spent. There is no bite left in this hammer. No hope. No energy. I am not quitting nor giving up. I am just trying to cope with what life is throwing at me and grasping for some way out of this black hole called my life. Can you all blame me? For wanting to fly away now? To disappear? No, you can't. Because I can assure you all that there was a time in your lives that you have all thought the same or to a similiar extent. Judge me not because I won't _ever_ judge you.
Let me tell introduce you all my readers to a small part of my life. A long time ago I was 17 and on my last year of medi-cal. I met a young man. Blonde. Tall. Kind. He had these hazel eyes that sparkled electric blue in the summer and a breath-taking green in the spring. I didn't know how I knew but I knew that he was the _one_. A year and a half later I slept with him. We got engaged and later married. This isn't the story about how I got married but a small part of what happened in-between. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Sex. Let's talk about it but not in detail. Young girl meets young man. Love at first sight and I mean it literally. This young girl wanted to become a young lady. The couple had already had sex but the thought of children were always on their mind. This meant that she would have to get birth control pills because she didn't want any accidents to happen. Although children were a nice factor to think about it was better left for the future.
She made an appointment with a medi-cal approved clinic. You see, if you are a teen and on medi-cal and you want birth control then you _have_ to get a pap smear test. No ifs, no ands, no buts about it. Well this same said young girl made the appointment and went to the clinic to get the pap smear. I will never... I will never forget that day. I didn't get a doctor. I didn't even get a nurse. I got a mid-wife. A bloody friggin' mid-wife who was TRAINING some girl _my age_ to do regular pap smears. So I was their guinea pig. I was propped up on the cold table and told to spread my legs apart and place them in those metal holdings. Now this next part is hard and I'm crying here as I'm typing this but I have to say it. I have to go on and explain it because I still don't _understand_ WHY she had to do what she did to me that day.
She rammed her hand inside of me. I could hear see her trainee's eyes widen because that mid-wife's hand was all the way up to her wrist inside of me. She took her damn fucking time to probe me with her fingers and those q-tips and all the while I was crying because it HURT. It hurt like hell and I thought... I thought that she was suppose to be nice and gentle. At least that's what everyone has told me. Pap smears aren't suppose to hurt...
Anyways, can't you tell that I'm dreading tomorrow? Absolute dreading it. I'm so shaken up inside. I'm not scared I'm terrified but M'lord is making me go. He's forcing me to go relive something I wish I hadn't have to endure again but then who am I to dictate my own life?
I'm nobody.
Oh phew. Sara saved him! I'm watching a Witchblade marathon on TNT and the season finale is tomorrow. (*sniffs*) I have the house to myself again. Whee. Alone again, just me and my computer... and tv... and Nokia... but hey, _alone_!! I'm thinking again. Stressing? I guess you can call it that. See, I have an appointment to see a Gyn this thurday. I haven't uhm been having a certain monthly visitor in a long time so tension is pretty thick around here. Why is it such a bad thing? Simple and to the point. I cannot cope with a baby in my life right now. It's just not the right time and besides that little slice of life? I hate gyns. They're soooo soooo urgh! Yes, that explains them perfectly I think. ^_^
Sept.11th seems to be a rather touchy subject on most of the dailies I've visited lately. Some people are for putting up a special layout or graphic to remeber that tragic day while other domains are basically saying to hell with it. Get over it. Some sites are closing down for a few days in rememberance and others are doing nothing for it. What ever a person chooses to do with their site is their own thing. Who are we to say what they do or don't do is wrong? It's not wrong to voice opinions or to do what you want with your own domain/website but _please_ remember to also _respect_ their opinions. Tough subject isn't it? Definitely food for thought, ne?
Bleh aside from all that I'm also in a layout rut. AGAIN! My cartoon website was just hosted so I get to move into a lush free 50 MB subdomain and it will not have geocities ads! Muahahah. OK well anyways... I was told yesterday that I'm my own worst critic. He said that I need to stand back and actually look at my design without any negativity or postive feelings. To feel it all out without an opinion. To not cater to anybody else except me. S'funny. I don't know if I can do that though. At any rate; I'm outtie. Chow! ^_^
It's funny why I quit because now that I think back on it. Well, my choices were juvenile and my way of going about college in general was a waste of precious time. To me, the world could wait. I had all the time I needed and everything was planned out to the letter. I knew what classes I wanted to take. I knew what courses to pass in order to get my hands on an A.S degree. Once I had my A.S I planned on transferring to the university to get my Masters. I never once thought that I would not go through with it. College just wasn't important to me. It just wasn't. Sure, I look back and regret it and would love to go back to the college campus. I would love to start over again but who am I kidding? I'm past my prime. I'm not young anymore. I'm not old either but definitely not under 21 yrs. of age. People can look at me and think that I have everything in the world. I have the best of everything because I'm loved and married to a wonderful man. Appearances. That's all that they see. The surface. No one bothers to ask if what they see is true to their eyes.
So aside from all that depressing crap. Should I? I still don't know. I'm scared. Yes, I can admit it. I'm frightened. An old woman like me going back to college is truly laughable. I hate this. I'm so uncertain about everything. Tch. Whatever. I still have a few more hours to mull this over. I'm going to go make something to eat...
(*screams in frustration*)
I swear, sometimes it feels like alot of them are using the club (*supposed*) popularity for their own clubs promotion. I don't mind plugging, and I don't mind linking their clubs! In fact I do so without telling anybody. I just feel that if I can help in some way then I will go all out and help. But then my peeps asks me to invite for them and I get them tons of members overnight...and I am not kidding. A club of 11 members went to 42 members because of a certain person spamming the hell out of other people. I'm bad. ^_^;; So what? I don't get a single thank-you? Instead I get ignored and two non-posting senshi (*cough*)Hotaru/Mars(*cough*) Not that I was talking about them in the first place... ¬_¬
I'll blog something major later on tonite. I have this really big craving for chocolate and it can't be ignored!!
news.com//The new Yahoo Messenger 5.5 boasts a much higher transmission quality for Webcam users with broadband connections. The new feature lets people transmit video at 20 frames per second, just shy of the movie industry standard of 24 frames per second. That's an improvement from Yahoo's previous Webcam resolution of just 1 frame per second, which is geared toward people with dial-up connections. Another added feature is a new collection of "emoticons," some of which are animated. more IMVironments.
todays domain//Don't you hate when you work so hard on your website and find out someone has copied, borrowed or stole your original layout or code without permission? Well, check out Pirated-Sites, where you'll find side-by-side comparison of these so-called 'copy-cat' sites. Is it original? Or is it copy? No one ever know except the guilty one. http://www.pirated-sites.com/
BAM! That is OVAH! I'm thinking of submitting a certain little online whore named Anime_Sweetness to that site. She's still up to her old tricks but thankfully has _seemingly_ left my websites alone.
So what about my personal life? I don't think its worth talking about actually but somehow just typing it all down is doing me some good. I don't have anyone to talk to and the people I use to think were my friends were backstabbing bitches that didn't care a single whit about me or how I feel. So yeah, this is my medium. This is my pain. He's breaking my heart. Damn him to hell ... he's hurting me. _Me_! My husband ... my best friend ... Just hurting me. Telling me, making me feel worthless. Why would he? I've been there for him through thick and thin. Through his anger and his doubts. Stuck by his side when he was dropped from his job and comforted him to get back onto his feet. Listened to his childhood accounts of good and bad times in his life and I didn't judge him on any of it. Not once. I give and I give without asking for anything back not really expecting anything back. That's only kind of love as I understand it that there really is in this world. The un-selfish kind but it _hurts_ because there is a chance that you won't get anything back... and then youre stuck like me. Alone. Just so godamned sad and alone...
//I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful. I can feel so boring for someone so interesting. So ignorant for someone of sound mind//
Yeah, that sort of fits me. I'm going to admit something now. I let him(yeah, _him_) hold me. It felt so good to be held for once. Just held without anything leading to sex. Held and listened to. That's my husbands problem. He always thinks that whenever I need to be held or when I give him a kiss it means I want to sleep with him. I do but not all the time. Especially not when I'm feeling so incredibly useless and sad. I just want someone to understand what I'm going through, to just listen to me, and tell _me_ that everything is going to be ok for once. And M'lord is not doing that ... but his best friend is ... Gods, I'm so confused but if push came to shove I would never betray my husband. Couldn't, no matter how much things seem to be pointing that way. I can only love one person. Is that even possible? Loving two people at the same time? I don't know and if its possible I don't want to hear about it because then I'll have an excuse to do something wrong. (*smacks herself in the head*) OI! I need to do something constructive!! I have to get out of here or something. If I keep thinking about it and thinking about it...
Lady-sama wishing she was somebody else @6:30 PM Pacific
O_O OMG! I was typing and I looked over my shoulder at M'lord and he was plucking out a nose hair!! I'm traumatized now. O_O
Err ... anyways back to what I was saying. I was flamed from all around and told to take down my Jem website because it was far too _new_ and _un-orthodox_ for a true Jem website. (*sigh*) I can't tell you all how disappointed and angered I was by that episode.
On another note? M'lord is now playing with his Legos and Megabloks sets on the bed right now. Wheee! He's so wild and exciting! -__-
Oh! And Kelly Osbourne. I've visited my daily sites and with one exception(Arigato Kanky for having common sense and originality) _everyone_ had Kelly Osbourne layouts!! O_O I have nothing against her but I kinda get tired of seeing the same picture shown over and over again. It was like all those Final Fantasy 10 layouts of Tideus showing up all over the place. It gets really boring after a while. The upside to this is that at least I'm not having to stare at Britney Spears layouts anymore! ^______^
One of my special online friends named Kanky(Go visit her domain and show her some love! Links are on the side.) adores Rogue. To her, I apologize, but my hatred for Rogue goes waayy back to ancient history almost. Please don't hate me! I don't mean it as any insult and I respect your admiration for the southern gal. I just can't stand her and well...we'll just leave it at that! ^_^;
Yesterday at my OOC club (<--<< That term means _Out of character_ for non-rpg peeps.) I posted rather bluntly about a couple things. Somehow a certain Magi got the impression that I was soley picking on him. He then in turn tried to tell me that I actually was flaming him! Not a single name was mentioned and he was not-so subtely insulting me. I will be the first to admit that I shouldn't have told him a few things, but what I said about him --- well let's just say it was the truth based on what several members have told me individually. I do not regret that he left the club. I'm actually and quite selfishly glad that he did. ^_^ The one part I do regret and that has gotten me in a very serious argument with both M'lord and my (*ahem*) interest...is the fact that my best all-around rper was knocked off for no damn reason. I am so bloody ticked off and I'm afraid that I may have lost one another member un-intentionally because of it.
Lalalala what to blah about today. Let's talk about ... my cats? Aside from the 20-something felines running amuck in my household and not counting the one trying to pounce on my keyboard right now ... I have too many. Ok. Done and did.
What about me? I'm sick. Bleh. Let's move on ... Oh, something spooky happened to me the other day while I was watching tv. I had it on Cartoon Network and was resting on the couch. The remote control was on top of the tv console. Totally out of my hands and out of anybody's reach. So what's the spooky thing you ask? The bloody tv switched channels on me! It was on Cartoon Network and then it switched over to Telemundo all by itself!! o_O I was like, "EEE-YEAH! What the heck?!!" It didn't scare me but I was definitely wary. O_O My sweet and so-very-understanding(not) husband told me it was probably a fluke or something. Imagine that ... he's telling me I'm crazy again ...
Wasabi!
WAGH! IAN HAS AN ARROW IN HIS CHEST!!
