S i g h

I really do need to come up with better entry titles than I have been. I've been intentionally staying away from jotting down my thoughts here because well...all of it has been negative. I look back in the archives I have up at Pitas.com and none of it is good. There's no hint of happiness or words about what I did for that day. Instead, all of it revolves around either my clubs, my home life, or James. What kind of a blog do I run here anyways? That's what I've been thinking. It's not that I'm trying to entertain anybody since this is just suppose to be about my thoughts on a daily basis..but really. Who wants to read about all this drama? It seems so un-important and mundane. I want to type about going out with friends or what movie I watched...what nightclub I visited...something.. Instead it's all about "Oh I'm so sad," or "James did this" or "I hate myself" or "I want to die" blah blah yadda BLAH! I read these entries of mine and they seem so pointless and stupid. Oh God what if it's because I'm so pointless and stupid? Hell, see? I'm doing it again. I don't know what's wrong with me. Feeling this way and acting this way..it's not what I imagined myself to be. There was so much I was looking forward to in this life I don't know where I went wrong. I'm just another depressed idiot on the Net. A faceless nobody that when you disconnect from the internet - I disappear into the blank screen. Who cares? Who really does care about the people you meet online unless you really want to know them personally and there are very few people who want to do that. God, see I'm doing it YET again. Going on and on about all of these ...bloody hell I don't even know how to begin to describe it. This is what happens when I try and push myself away from jotting down my thoughts and spare everyone from having to read them. I just keep hoping that maybe someone will read one of my entries and say, "Hey, I can relate." or "Oh crap, her life is so knocked up it makes my life seem like blinking heaven." Yes, I know. Keep dreaming. I know that I'm really just your comedy central corner for laughs.

Double sigh. Everyone knows that sometimes I take a long time in responding via e-mail right? Right. I'm really sorry if I haven't responded to anyone in a long time. It's never my intention and I read all of the e-mails everyday and try to sit down and get something out but then I start thinking.. why? Everything I write sounds so stupid they'll just laugh at me. I bet inwardly you all do. It's okay. I'm use to it. Ohh not even a paragraph into this and I'm already traveling back down that road of "oh dramatize me" again. Sorry, just so sorry. I'm trying hard not too. So back to the e-mails thing. There's a couple of Net peeps whom I won't name names or anything that believe I'm just being a real witch and ignoring them. That's okay too. I get a great deal of that kind of turn of attitude from people I had once thought were my friends but ended up to be just backstabbing wenches or jerks. I can't help who I am and I'm sorry if it seems like I'm just blatantly ignoring everyone. When I sit down and type out e-mail I geniuely take my time. I like to be open and honest with the peeps I correspond with and sometimes it takes a lot to just be able to find the inner strength to do it. I would rather take a hundred months and type out a honest and open e-mail then spend 5 minutes just to say a boatload of made-up nothings. Which is sometimes what I get from passing acquaintances. It may take me a long time and it may seem like I'm not wanting to correspond but that couldn't be further from the truth. I enjoy reading e-mails from friends. I really do enjoy it. There are precious few things in life that give me a shady glimpse into happiness and recieving e-mails from nice friends is one of them. I treasure them all because even if you send me an e-mail that only says "Hey!" it means a great deal to me. It means someone actually took a small moment to think about me. Selfish yes, and especially makes me look and feel rotten because of what I just wrote about..but it's true.

Triple sigh. Today was a diaster. James and I ended up fighting again. We're always at ends with each other it seems. But what really gets me is that he keeps apologizing as if they are lottery tickets to be given away. He never means what he says and he always forgets what he tells me he won't ever do again. Five years we have been constantly struggling to keep our relationship alive but you know what? When my eyes are clear and I've taken off those rose-coloured glasses of mine.. I don't actually feel as if I want to stay with him. Sure, when he left me the first time I was sad. I was extremely depressed and wanted to throw my life away just as my mother had done but ...five years is a long time. Especially when you've given yourself heart and soul to this sole person thinking they are the ONE. Only what happens if you slowly find out that they aren't? I think that's what is happening here. I really, really do. It's like bit by bit I am beginning to realize just how incompatible me and James are. He's so different from what I had first thought him to be that it scares me. I love him. Oh please don't get me wrong there. I love him and I will never ever love another as much as I do him. But it's because of that love that is stopping me from letting go. It's that insecurity of finding out...that I was right. We don't match. We are not the couple you are every day tricking yourself into believing yourselves to be. Does that even make sense? Then there was that whole family thing with his family not accepting me. I thought we had squared it away but I was had. I was so blinking had it's not even funny. James lied. He never said anything to his family nor will he. Plus, just the other day we were discussing marriage. I want to keep my mother's last name to carry on and honor her last name. None of my siblings have her last name and they all take after their father so it makes sense they kept his name after the divorce between my parents. I still keep it. I want to pass it on to future generations so that my mother will live on through my children. Except that James doesn't see this small request as a feasible one. He wants to keep his 'Finn' last name so that he can carry on his father's name. Nevermind that he has two brothers who happily carry the name and won't mind having a dozen children to pass it on. I'm the only one who can do it for my mother's sake. He doesn't even want to discuss this and he knows it means a great deal to me. The only recourse I had at that time was to tell him simply - "Then we'll never get married because I won't take on the name of a prejudiced lot of arseholes. NEVER." I also am starting to think that in a way that James is a bit prejudiced too. I know it sounds strange but there is a little hint of it every now and again. He's really good at keeping things underwraps when its convienant for him. So what happened that made us get into a fight again this time? It's Friday night or rather it was Friday night and we were going out. I was looking forward to it all day and he comes home around 6 at night - says can't talk, and jumps to the next room. That's okay, totally understandable. I start primping and getting ready. When he returns he likes "Hi want to go shopping?" I was giddy. DUH I want to go shopping!! Only it turns out that we go to Wal-Mart to buy toilet paper. Ohh did I mention that he yelled at me the whole way just because I squealed in delight at seeing a cute truck? So he's scowling and frowning at me since the minute he walks through the door. When we enter the Wal-Mart however there's a cute girl at the corner and he's smiling and drooling at her like there ain't no tomorrow. I'm of course disgusted with this open display and promptly move away from him. If he wants to pretend he's single then that's fine with me. I'll just go elsewhere. James jogs back and has the nerve to pretend like nothing happened. Maybe nothing did. I'm so bloody forgettable afterall. So after a while I suggest dinner and a restaurant to go too and he shakes his head no. It's too expensive. I offer another place and no it's about to close. We continue on through the store like this trying to decide where to go and getting nowhere at all. Everything I suggest or look at and what to buy ends up being either too expensive ($11.59) or the store/restaurant is closed. At the end, we are in the parking lot. James loads up the toilet paper we bough and we are on our way. What happens is that I start to get angry. Instead of yelling at him I decided to just not speak to him. He attempts in his own little way to patch things up and ends up driving me across town to a place I swore never to return too because of his stupid dog nature to lust after prettier women and forget about me. There's more to it but I'm not going to get into the details. It all hurts too much. So he parks the truck and after a while of trying to get me to speak he nonchalantly says "Let's go to a hotel". WHAT THE HELL?!! I was so angry I was contemplating his death in a slow and painful way. First he yells at me, then he forgets and humiliates me, then he rejects my ideas, then he takes me to a place I absolutely hate...and offers to fix it up with sex? Good LORD I was really contemplating his death at my hands. Finally we just went home and things didn't get better after that. I just finally ended up telling him to just shut-up, to just shut-up for once in his life and leave me alone. It worked. I'm typing alone in the dark now.

I guess I'll end this entry right here. I'm extremely tired and the bed is looking really quiet, un-occupied and comfortable right now. Tomorrow is another day..maybe I'll succumb to his false apologies in the hopes that he'll come around to wanting to forge a real relationship. Yes, I know. The stuff of dreams...

S u p a h + M o m e n t

Today is a big day for both James and I. He's going to wake up in a six hours and head off to work to either gain a grand reward or face disappointing defeat. You see, he's top of the line for a promotion. A big promotion that will make him a Level 3 manager and a very fat pay raise. This is something we have been hoping and praying for a long time now. If he gets this promotion so many of our financial problems will finally be resolved! We'll be able to have an actual Christmas with presents! Oh God I am so nervous but at the same time excited. I don't know whether to just gnaw my fingernails in nervousment or just carry on with the day as if nothing will happen. Sure there are the big negatives that come into mind but you can't worry about those things. I want to think postively because I know in my heart that James desrves this promotion. Even if he wasn't my husband and just a casual co-worker friend - even then I would say that he deserves it. James has the potential, the drive, the skills, and the intelligence to run the department he's currently working at. Ohh guau I hope the executives will come out with a good decision. They're holding the big exec meeting today which is why we're going to find out today whether or not he got the position. Cross your fingers for us and please o' please wish us tons of luck! I hope to return later on to blog about the news regardless the outcome.

Oh la, and before I forget in all of this jumpy nerves...I uploaded three more new artwork pieces and threw back the past layouts section which is currently updated! Me o'my the Favorite Site Links are back up! I can't believe I didn't include those when I uploaded this site the first time. My head is really afloat in the Nile of Procrastination. I really should should get some sleep but I have a ton of e-mails to return and not to mention create a new layout for my 80s site...post at all the rpgs groups...urgh. I'm so happy to not be un-happy. ^_^;

Lady-sama | 02:19 AM on 11/03/03

A N e w D a y

I hope everyone had a great Halloween yesterday. Since it was a Friday and a holiday we decided to spend it doing the most outrageous thing we could think of...we went grocery shopping. -_- Wait, wait it does get better. We felt rebellious. Un-hmm we sure did. James figured that since the Grocery clerks were on strike for the most idiotic of reason (*A $5 co-payment on health insurance is too much for them. They earn $15 - $25 an hour w/o a college degree o_O*)we would intentionally pick an arguement with them. It was either that or toss eggs at them as we zoomed by in our white pick-up. No no we really wouldn't toss eggs at them but the temptation was great. Luckily the weather decided to be a real arse and huge drops of rain poured down upon us like nothing else. Strangely enough there were no picketers protesting in the middle of the downpour. Hmm. Maybe their cause isn't worth the effort afterall. So anyways we shopped at our leisure since I was caught in the rain without my jacket and there was really no rush to get back out there. Although when the grocery shopping was over I felt sorry for any trick-or-treaters wanting to go out for some candy. It was still raining hard and the windows of the truck had actually fogged over. The whole neighborhood was decorated top to bottom with jack o' lanterns and Halloween lights for the little costumed tykes but because of the sudden harsh rain...nobody took their children out for candy. I feel their pain. I wanted to hand out candy and look at all their cute costumes. T_T

So, I guess by now you all have figured out that James and I are back together. A friend of mine who lives in a beautiful towne full of rich history and breath-taking landmarks; advised me of something that had actually gotten me to thinking about our relationship. I swear, he's a wiseman in shining silver armor. Everything he said made so much sense to me I began to go through a hell of different emotions..some of which I have been trying to deny for a very long time. The bottom line was that James had to figure out where I stood in his life. I mean really stood. As my friend said, he had to at least say in no uncertain terms to his family that I am his family and if his parents or brothers and sisters wanted to be a part of his family then they would have to realise that we are taken as a pair or not at all. It hit me as I sat down on my couch in the dark living room that he hadn't said that to them...not even once. Which triggered a big emotional overload and got me extremely...well you know. The day he arrived back home I opened the door and merely stared at him. I was at a loss at what to say and James too, was a bit wordless. I didn't know whether I should invite him back in or hand him the keys to the truck and tell him to never to return. Everything in my head at that moment was just spinning around. I simply noted that he had a strange cane that he was leaning on and automatically I thought the worst. Although James has recovered from the accident that broke his knee about 12 months ago he still runs the risk of breaking it easily again. I asked him about the cane and James told me that it was a walking cane bought in an Irish shoppe in Colorado. He was still standing outside the door. I guess I'm a real sucker for stupidity because at that moment our eyes met and I was rushing into his open arms. I won't tell you the rest as it is well..private and nobody likes to read about another person's er...nookie fest. If you do...well HENTAI! Shame on you this isn't an ecchi site for God's sake! Swooo-osh, so time passes on. We are now sitting in our favorite Chinese restaurant sipping cold glasses of Pepsi. This is when I drop the whole shabang onto James. He's not surprised and is in fact already telling me that he has cut off all contact with two siblings: Sean and Coleen. He has already told his entire family including cousins that I was his family and if they didn't accept me then they were not accepting him. Coleen and Sean (*His older brother*) of course didn't care. They decided to stop talking from that moment on. It also turns out that his mother was constantly being fed lies by Coleen. She was saying that I was a bad influence on James and because of me - he was an arsehole to her and her children. James told his mother that it wasn't true at all. He said that Coleen just doesn't understand that someone in this life actually hates her. I'm not certain about his father or little brother yet but it looks like I'll at least be acknowledged as a permanent part of James's life. He's also changed a great deal. I think he finally realized that for our relationship to continue growing - he had to make a lot of choices. A great deal of thanks goes to you, Robo. I really appreciate your advise. I showed James the e-mail you sent me and it was like the fog that was clouding his mind suddenly evaporated into thin air clearing the way to sensible thinking. For the past week he has never once stopped from telling me I love you and when he leaves for work he actually kisses me good-bye and when he returns he again kisses me and says that he missed me. Again, thank-you for being a great friend. I'll always be gratefully indebted to your kindess and understanding. Uhm well...I suppose I'll end this entry right here and on a good note even. I hope you all had a great Halloween or a great day. Take care all!

Lady-sama | 06:45 AM on 11/01/03

I m + O k a y

I want to take this moment to thank each and every single one of you whom have contacted me via e-mail. I'm doing well now and I'm obviously still quite alive. Forgive me for scaring any one it wasn't my intention. Yes, it's very tiring and most unfortunate but I am prone to these bouts very often. It's something I can't help because of a chemical imbalance due to a mental illness that was inherited from my father's side of the family. Depression is far too general a term for someone with my illness and there is no cure for it. But enough of that - I am very grateful and thank-ful for the wonderful Net friends that I have whom geniunely cared for my welfare. Thank-you from the bottom of my heart because it was your kindness, and your concern that stopped from making a mistake that would have affected my family for the rest of their lives. At any rate I decided to clean up things around here including my little journal website. I'll be adding the past layouts section in a pop-up but aside from that this is the blog format I am going to be using from now on at Sexy Kitty. I'll change layouts every now and again of course but basically I am exhausted of the silly content I've been putting up for site's sake. My days of trying to make my site appealing is over. Either a person likes my site the way it is or they don't; as simple and as tact-less as that. I'll write more about the past two days but at the moment I need to take care of things offline. I do hope to see you all soon and again, thank-you so much for being there for me when I needed you all the most.

Lady-sama | 02:22 PM on 10/27/03

A change of pace

For the past ..erhm..okay for many, many days I have been blogging non-stop about the boring ho-hums of my life. I can imagine that several of you are already getting bored. Or if not, at least a bit annoyed at my constant drama, drama! Before I switch gears here I'd just like to say two things: One - I hate people who think they aren't being rude by saying 'I don't mean to be rude'. .(*ie. A person who nit-picked that I don't know the difference between Italian and Spanish*) First, I'm a native speaker as well but obviously this person doesn't realize this. So what if I mixed up the copy and past job? I pasted the Spanish version instead of the Italian version of the song. Big deal! I had five different translations on notepad and I was typing at 4 A.M. in the morning! Give me a break here! Two - I dislike rpg members who think they are clever by attempting to sneak in snide remarks thinly disguised in dripping bittersweetness. (*ie. the speech yadda blah blah said at the Z-Senshi OOC board*) ARGH! Okay that's my rant fest for today. And so, I present to you a welcome change of pace!

The Little Bunny Foo Foo - Nursery Rhyme

Little Bunny Foo Foo
hoppin' through the forest,
scoopin' up the field mice
and boppin' em on the head.
And down came the Blue Fairy, and she said:

Little Bunny FooFoo
I don't want to see you
scoopin' up the field mice
and boppin' em on the head.
And now I'll give you three chances, and if you keep it up, I'll turn you into a goon.

Little Bunny Foo Foo
kept hoppin' through the forest,
kept scoopin' up the field mice
and boppin' em on the head.
And down came the Blue Fairy, and she said:

Little Bunny FooFoo
I don't want to see you
scoopin' up the field mice
and boppin' em on the head.
And now I'll give you two more chances, and if you do that again, I'll turn you into a goon.

Little Bunny Foo Foo
kept hoppin' through the forest,
kept scoopin' up the field mice
and boppin' em on the head.
And down came the Blue Fairy, and she said:

Little Bunny FooFoo
I don't want to see you
scoopin' up the field mice
and boppin' em on the head.
And now I'll give you one more chance, and if you keep it up, I'll turn you into a goon.

Little Bunny Foo Foo
kept hoppin' through the forest,
kept scoopin' up the field mice
and boppin' em on the head.
And down came the Blue Fairy, and she said:

Little Bunny FooFoo
I don't want to see you
scoopin' up the field mice
and boppin' em on the head.
You disobeyed me three times, so now I'm gonna turn you into a GOON!

And the moral of this story is: Always remember, Hare today, Goon tomorrow!

Lady-sama |

Who am I

Before I dive into the turbulent waters of this blog I'd like to take a moment and say, "Happy 15th Birthday Saragath!" I sent you a B-day fansign. Here's hoping it's recieved in good health. ^_^ Also, if you are new to the site and have commented - be sure to check back on the comments. I always answer back and sometimes little conversations continue for a little bit as a result.

And so it begins.

Do you ever have a day where you wish you weren't who you are right now? Do you ever wish you were someone else? Lately, I've been wishing that I was someone different. I thought the imaginary 'I want to grow up to be so-and-so' game would end when adulthood eventually kicked you in the back of the head to say "hello!" But it didn't . I wish I had grown into something special. Someone that another person could look up to or wish to be, instead of vice versa. My role model wasn't a woman or a stranger but rather my own father. Before he betrayed my mother and my family and long before he turned to mental and physical abuse - he was a man of great honor and respect. I looked up to him because he taught me so much about how to truly honor and respect different people in a variety of ways. He showed me how to be kind and he confided in me the secret on how to make each and every person I come across to feel special and unique in individual ways. Mind you, I am speaking of days gone past. When a person grows up and life's hardships continually rain down upon your back - just like a rock - it will make an impression. I still strive to be a better person and I hope that in my own way I have reached someone's heart with geniune kindness. But the odds of that happening nowadays is very slim next to none.

Sure enough there are people who will scoff at the notion that I can be anything but a bitter and truly mean wench. But if those people think so, then I can honestly say without a doubt that they do not truly know me. I most certainly will deny that there is a shy, sensitive and extremely vunerable person behind the stoney exterior. I will deny it because to do otherwise would open me up to the cruel touch of harm and malice. Yet not everyone out there both online and offline are like that, right? There are some good-natured and very insightful people out there who will out of the blue - precisely scare the heck out of me and describe the inner me to a tee. It's sad to type this but they are the ones I should be the most guarded against. But I am not. I can be honest, actually 100% honest with them, and they will neither laugh nor shun me because of it. For that I am truly blessed and extremely grateful. For them, I do not put on a dozen different masks. For them, I am able to actually just be the real me.

What saddens me the most I confess is that James is not one of these people. My own husband, will never again see the real me. Sure enough there are glimpses, a little peek here and there but for too long... the hurt will never go away. The pain will never cease. As I once told him before, "I can forgive but I will never forget". Only he truly understands the implications of such a saying. He, the one I love above all others despite the constant hurt - will never see the real me in person again. I put on the different masks and dance about in his heart living a masquerade. To show the real me to him would mean to open up my wounded soul and allow him the chance to thrust a sword of betrayel through it...again. I'm tired of the fighting and I'm tired of the constant battles. I'm immensely exhausted from the pretending but it has to be that way for my own protection. In my own way, I guess I really do push certain people away.

But to the ones that I can be honest with on a daily basis. I hope that I can live up to the morals and ethics that my father had so sadly destroyed long ago. I wish to be able to make your days happier and brighter. I do like to help and I do so without expecting anything in return. Yet I cannot do so for everyone only those that I can trust. I take a small moment and thank-you from the bottom of my heart. I will forever be indebted to your kindness because I can be...I can actually be the real me in your presence; all thanks to you.

Lady-sama | 08:21 AM on 08/10/03 |

Daughter of Dreams

Over the course of fifteen years I have steadily realized that a 'Good night's' sleep will slip through my fingers like water. I have dreams, very disturbing dreams The kind that makes you toss and turn in bed. The ones that cause beads of sweat to run down the sides of your face. Nightmares we call them. I've always had them. When I dream I don't slip into a fantasy tale of adventure. I don't fall into a romantic tale where a handsome Laird atop a chestnut stallion rides out of the frosty mists to snatch me up into his arms to carry me off to his Highland castle. The dreams where people soar through the azure sky without the aide of wings or the royal coming of age ball where you meet the King or Queen of an exotic land.. I never have those, or more correctedly, REM (*Rapid Eye Movement*) sleep seems to never bubble up in my short or long term memory. What I do remember vividly are the bad dreams. My mother believes that a person's dreams carry messages from the great beyond. My Pysch 31 professor dictated that dreams are merely expressive outlets of our daily problems. I believe that dreams are a little of both but mostly are the waiting-to-be written fanfictions running wildly amuck like free range horses on the prairie plane of our mind.

Strangely enough, I do have certain dreams. It's truly hard to explain as it is but even more so to ones with a closed mind. My husband is one such person. He will neither hear nor even stand to hear anything that wasn't already strictly written into his Protestant raised mind. Prophetic dreams or foreseeable dreams of the near future just don't equate. Whenever I dream of a raging ocean or a turbulant tsunami the instant I wake up something ill happens or will happen that very day. I have not been failed by these dreams not once. It wasn't until I came to the age of eighteen where I fully understood the depths of these special dreams. These dreams have one common element in them and that is water. We are common enemies, the duplicitious element and I. Cruel enemies and embraced allies. I despise the water. I loathe it with every fiber of my being. Far too many times when I entered a body of water whether a cold ocean in the Pacific or a backyard swimming pool - death has reached up from beneath it's waves and seized me around the neck. Always, I nearly drown. I do not mean 'go under the water' I mean inhaling water and feeling it in your throat, behind your eyes, in the lungs and squeezing its liquidous tendrils around the soul... And yet this very element also warns me of mis-doings or about to happen tragedies in my dreams.

Then there are the nightmares. The daemons and the human beings that wish to harm me. These are the ones that frighten me the most. Creatures that defy horrifying description with gleaming talons and crimson-stained fangs. Daemons and malicious witches that seek to make my dreaming hours a tormentious period. Forgive me if no one likes to hear of such things but if you come to my site I ask that you only have an open mind. At any rate the dream world is an important factor and it is not uncommon for good and evil to battle it out in a person's mind. Unfortunately I seem to be battling my inner daemons constantly in my sleep. Which leads to some pretty restless nights. These nightmares seem so surreal and yet at the same time are bloody realistic. I swear, I can feel their cold breath upon my skin. I can smell the acrid odor of their body. I can hear the guttural twisted language of their kind. I can see the hatred, the cruelty and evil in their eyes. Have I mentioned that I can read in my dreams? It's supposedly impossible but it is possible. I don't think I'm some special exception by saying such things but I speak the truth. Why woud I lie? For attention? I have no need. My life like many others is a sad and extremely lonely one. Why would I want more attention? I recieved it from all sides: the abuse from my father, the laments of my mother, the sneers of my older brother and sister, the racist crimes committed by ignorant rednecks, the ugly jokes from the boys, the snobbery from Mexicanos and Caucasians because my skin is golden brown on the outside but I was also white in the inside. A Mexican-American in other words. I need no attention. I've had so much all of my life.

I suppose a person could psycho-analyze me and state that I am merely having large amounts of stress in my life. My dreams and nightmares are merely imagniative extensions - the only coping mechanism within me to combat the tension my body harbors. I suppose so but then they are not me. Only one person will know why you dream or the reasons and the symbolism behind them. You. Not the psychic lady hotline, not the old hag pyschic on the Montel Williams show, not the psychologist with the thick-rimmed black glasses, not your lover and not anybody else. Only you. Is there a point to this entry I wonder? Most definitely not. I'm merely blogging afterall. I wonder what I'll dream about when I lay my head down to sleep this night? Another daemon or perhaps a brawl with an old enemy? Which ever it may be let's try not to forget that these are only dreams. When I awaken with a cold start or cry because of the pain I felt when sharp claws slashed me across the chest or babble incoherently because I saw things that a mortal should never see... I'll try and remember that. I'll wipe my forehead and dry my tears. It's only a dream... It's only a dream...

Lady-sama | 04:11 PM on 08/10/03

Missed Birthdays...Oi!

(*Beams happily*) I'm so happy my little 'Morning Special' came out as a big freaky surprise. Lol! And yes, I did make the photo of the pancake monster as well, Justin! >_< Chad, my apologies if I spooked you a little there hon. The last thing I wanted was to for you to start poking the breakfast favorite of America with a ten foot pole. ^_^; Lol! I'm getting really handy with photo manipulation. I'm actually accomplishing a lot of things I wasn't able to do about three years ago. Practice does make near perfect afterall. o_O I have a great deal more tricks and techniques to learn but I've become extremely comfortable with PhotoShop and Paint Shop Pro. Go me! At any rate this month has so far been a mess of missed birthdays. I feel so bad. Chad, I hope you know that we didn't intentionally miss your birthday on purpose. We honestly thought it was the sixth of August and not the fourth. T_T Happy Belated Birthday and I hope you had a great time. You deserve it! Speaking of missed birthdays...I also missed a member's birthday which was on July 29th I believe. Poor thing but I tried to make up for it by making a club picture for her. I think she liked it. ^_^ Aside from all that boring stuff I've been working on my artwork section. I finally just threw the entire album into one folder and had Adobe automate the thumbnails and HTML for the table. I absolutely hate tables and this procedure saved me from a huge headache. ^_^ As soon as I fix it up it'll be uploaded for all you to be tormented by the God awful-ness of my *cough*talent*cough*. Thanks for visiting! Take care! I'm off to bed it's 2:45 in the morning. Yawns..

Lady-sama | 02:45 AM on 08/06/03 

The Morning Special

I pushed the flimsy door ajar and entered the out-of-the-way diner. My stomach growled a low and guttural sound. The waitress eyed me with irritation, her chewed #2 pencil tapping rapidly against the notepad in her hand. She asked, "What'll it be, townie?" Driving the rig from state to state has left me in a state of disarray. I falter and wonder what time it is. The gawdy waitress rudely sighed and jotted down something legible only to her eyes down upon the faded notepad pages. "Ya'll wait right here. I'll get ya the morning special." Ten minutes had passed and an empty glass of water sat next to my hand. A hot steaming plate of flapjacks was suddenly tossed onto the table directly in front of me. I looked up in suprise. The waitress smiled, revealing a large gaping hole in her teeth. Could she be any less inhuman? Hungerily I grab my fork and jab the flapjacks with the tip. As I raised the fork to my mouth fully expecting to shovel in a piece of steaming pancake I notice something odd. The three prongs of the fork were missing! Suddenly a low hiss catches my full attention. I look around the dining room wondering if a stray cat had wandered into the diner. A small moment passes before I hear a man's wail of agony pierce my hearing. The terrible sound came from behind. I swivel in my seat towards the sound but before I could see what is going on a sudden movement catches my eye. The plate of flapjacks had moved. Beads of sweat dot my brow as I frown in growing curiousity. The plate lurched horizontally forward. I fairly jumped myself but vertical into the air. A horrifying sight read only in the dark tales of the Brothers Grimm has thrown itself into this existance. I have no time to scream as the "Morning Special" stretches its maw and lunges straight for my face.....

Lady-sama | 02:38 AM on 08/04/03 

Mas or menos

Dame un martillo que te rompo la cresta! Guau! Estoy harta de batallas! Solo quiero respirar soy muy dura de pelar Ese cuento de las parejas para siempre jamas ahora mismo no me interesa necesito mi LIBERTAD!!!!!

Give me a Hammer so that I can break your Crown! Wow! I'm tired of the battles! I just want to finally breathe I'm really toughing out the battle in this fairytale romance of happily ever after Right now it's just not interesting me I want FREEDOM!!!!!

Lady-sama | 02:38 PM on 08/03/03

Happy Birthday 28th James!

Lady-sama | 02:59 AM on 08/01/03
The Results are in...

Yesterday in the mail I received a letter from the Radiology lab. When opened I plucked out a yellow thin paper which had the results from my pelvic ultra scan on it. Apparently I have developed a small ovarian cyst on my right side. Now the next step is to visit my primary doctor to recieve instructions on how to combat it. If the pain persists I am suppose to go to the emergency clinic ASAP. So far, I have felt a sore spot on my inner thigh but it hasn't been as painful like it was in the last few months. James hugged me and told me how relieved he was. Apparently a small cyst isn't abnormal in young women and a female gets it by having an overdose of estrogen in her body. I asked James what the doctor would do - his father is a doctor afterall - and he said that most likely they would put me on birth control pills. PHEW! Let me tell you something, I was so worried that I had an under-developed baby growing in my ovaries or even worse - a cancer bump. My sister has a really bad history with cysts and it got so bad that she had to have her tubes tied. This is of course after having six children. o_O

I feel really good right now. Health-wise I'm still hanging in there but it's not as bad anymore. It was like that one dreadful night that pushed me to finally see the doctor was a sort of physical epiphany of sorts. A bloody painful one, but very enlightening. I now know finally after 3 years of suffering why I have not had regular menstrual periods and why I have felt pain in my lower stomach when I ate or didn't eat. I finally know and it's a good, good feeling. ^_^

Which means back to that little birth control pill or maybe even the patch. I think the patch is cool because you slap it on and don't have to worry about it until next month. I guess having children is out of the question for now. At least until the doctor determines the final outcome of the matter. Hopefully it'll go away once the birth control kicks in and then I can think about having at least one little brat for M'lord. Lol! Hopefully if I do have a child it'll be a she. I've always dreamed of having a little girl with soft, unusually long raven hair. She would have vacous brown eyes the kind that would pull you in like a black hole. She would have the cutest nose ever and a very sweet disposition. Wouldn't that be nice? (*Sighs*) A little girl that would be a part of me and James. Then maybe, I might think about having a little slugger for M'lord. The girl has got to come first though. Lol! Can you tell I'm in a good mood? Five years ago I would have turned my nose up in the air. Back then the mere mention of children really disgusted me but hey - I was young and very single with my head stuck in the life of a roving bachelorette.

BTW - James the blog war is still on. =^.^= You had your chance to relinquish and follow the advice of Robo and Justin. But noooooo ....

Lady-sama | 12:59 PM on 07/31/03
It's hot hot! >_<

New Layout as promised. It's nothing spectacular but I really like the colours for some reason. Lol! Thank-you all for tagging and visiting my sad little site. ^_^ I'd blog more but it's hot as hell. My bootie is sticking to the seat of the pc chair like white glue on paper. >_< Btw I am about to declare blog war on James and his best friend. This'll be fun. ^_^

Lady-sama | 06:16 PM on 07/24/03
My Advice to You is to NOT get Married.

Here it is, the requisite "My husband is an arse" blog entry. Many of you may or may not know but James and I aren't actually married. We're husband and wife in heart but not by legal means. I won't get into the details about that right now because I want to rant. At the moment, since he's being a real jerk and a half - he's not my husband. I suppose if I think about it that way it means I'm free to actually roam in other pastures so to speak. Yet I've been with James for five years now and to even contemplate playing around with another guy because he got me royally ticked off today is rather selfish. Then again, he shouldn't have gotten me angry.

How it happened is beyond me and I'm still not even sure why in the world the guy is mad at me. All I know is that I've been getting nothing but attitude from him all day and then he has the audacity to say that I'm the one giving drama. Oh no, not today. Sometimes I will admit to being a drama Queen but this time, this time I did not even do a single damn thing!

The fairy tale romances that I write fanfiction or role-play out are essentially and quite sadly the pixie dust of cloud nine dreams. Cynically speaking, if you believe that once you find the right guy and decide to spend the rest of your life with him -- all will be well. Check your pulse and slap your face hard, sweetie. The reality of it all is that relationships are chock full of rocky, explosive, and often times unstable moments. Neither partner will be perfecf and if you think the man is not going to look another woman just because he supposedly loves you for all of eternity? HA! To be perfectly and rudely blunt, God made man with both a brain and a penis but only gave enough blood to run only one at a time. No offense to any male friend of mine that visits. ^_^;

Anyways back to the mean son of gun that I am living with at home. Dirty looks, and heavy irritated sighs dominated a once perfectly nice afternoon. As time ticked on, his mood got considerably worse and for no reason other than I was either in his presence or in line of sight. It has to be that because I didn't say or do anything to make him behave this way. Good Lord, I even cleaned house and cooked without a single gripe or word from my mouth. What in the world is up with this man?! He's sleeping at the moment and didn't even say a single word to me. No good night, no I'm sorry for acting like a insensitive clod, nothing. Did I mention that when I was extremely ill and in excruciating pain that the guy made me clean house and make him dinner? Yet when he was ill or rather in a cast for a good 6 months - I waited on him hand and foot - 24/7 - without a single complaint? Where's the middle ground? I'm not seeing any compromise here at all.

You know, what really gets to me and I mean really gets to me. Is that he talks to me as if I'm some two year old girl with no idea as to the goings on of the world. James will talk to me about three things - food, sex, and bills. That's it. Our topics of conversation is extremely limited and it's not because of my lack of trying. He simply believes I'm some clueless, laboring idiot that waltzes around the house with a dust pan and broom. It's times like these that make me sit back and wonder what in the world kind of relationship I got myself into? Is it even worth it? Am I just being angry? Why oh why is he so bloody insensitive? I don't expect anything from him that he can't deliver. Why is the man so willing to do 110% for everyone else and decides that 1% is good enough for me? In his eyes, I'm getting the impression that I am not worth his time. I'm not worth his effort. I'm not worth jack crap. PERIOD.

Who knows.. who knows.

I do know one thing though. He's going to attempt to talk to me again without acknowleging what he did wrong. He'll see me as the only person who ever does anything bad in the relationshp and attempt to brush it off his shoulders as if nothing happened. If he hadn't already done so in hsi mind. James is notorious about forgetting things - most importantly of all...me.

Lady-sama | 03:02 AM on 07/24/03
I Blog to Thee

I sit down at the keyboard and ready my hands to type. Only I have no idea what to type about as the days gone by seem to have come and gone in a fast blur. I suppose I can talk about the weather? It's a decent start if not a tad cliche. Everything around here lately has been sizzlign Hot. The kind of blistering hot weather that makes the back of your throat itch and your tongue dry. The kind of weather that really makes you appreciate fine luxuries such as swimming pools and large-capacity air conditioners. Yesterday was a mean 108 degrees and the temperature did not drop until well into the night at a static 90 degrees. Today, as I pulled open the curtains to my bedroom window fully expecting to be drowned in a blast of atomic rays - I see clouds. Yes, clouds. Gloomy, gray and dirty white clouds are covering the sky in a thick blanket. I can see it's going to be a strange weekend already. o_O

Since the heat was unbearable. James and I decided to head down to one of the libraries to get away from the scorching heat. The idea of visiting the shopping mall came to mind but the notion was quickly shot down since neither of us had any inclination of butting heads with hordes of parents tugging screaming toddlers behind them, or the wanna be hommes trying to impress their payasa girlfriends with ghetto talk. The library was the logical choice. As we entered the two-story building we were happily greeted with a blast of cold air. Ahhhhh it was bliss. "I can feel the breeze!" I remember chirping to James. He smiled and tugged me along towards the adult fiction. I wasn't about to be swayed from my intial goal and promptly tugged him over to the romance section. The tug-of-war finally ended at the top of the stairs where we both sat down at the computer terminals. The race to see who could find the locations of their books and jot them down on the piece of paper was on! Whoever finished first got to get their books first and the loser had to carry all of the books. Oh la, I wasn't about to lose. I cracked my knuckles and literally jumped onto the swivel chair. My 65 wpm typing skills came in handy at that moment and I was working that mouse like hell had no fury. James of course was valiently attempting to win but to no avail. He struck a dead end when he attempted to search out books on dragons and beastiaries. I finished finding the locations on all of my books and promptly did a turn of vicotry in the chair. The clerk who made rounds on all the computer terminals was passing by at the time and flashed us an odd look. I could fairly read what was going on in her mind at that point - she was pratically saying, "Oh my Lord. They're nuts. They're total nuts." O_O

The rest of the day was spent at the library as we searched out our books and laughed at the antics of two overgrown adul males. They were possibly 25 or older and they sat in the teen computer terminals. Honestly, there isn't anything wrong with that but it was the way they were typing that was hillarious. One of the males was humming along to some song while he swayed side to side in his chair. His friend must have thought himself to be an expert drummer in the imaginary band because he was happily making these dramatic gestures with his hands and tapping the keys of the board in rhythm to a song that was apparently heard only in his head. The men were idiots. -__-

The day ended with a trip to the grocery store but that's another story...

Lady-sama | 11:13 AM on 07/18/03

I've been ill...

My apologies for being quiet for the last few days but my health just took a downhill turn. It's funny (*Not haha funny but wierd funny*) but I was telling an online friend of mine that the only thing that will make me go to a clinic is if I'm near my deathbed. Okay, not so literally but very bloody close. It happened a couple days ago and I've been teetering between "semi-ok" and total "don't move from the bed" feelings. Right now, I'm feeling okay enough to type something out but just barely.

All that I know so far is that I do have an infection (*No you hentai-tashi it's not a STD.*) and I'm taking some really powerful WWII antibiotics to combat the infection. The intial cause of my illness will be revealed in my next doctor's visit. I'll go into major details about how I came to be ill and the horrendous procedure of discovering the infection when I feel much more better. At the moment, I'm feeling really discomforted sitting down even now so I'm ending this with a small note:

When I'm feeling better again, I'll visit your sites, comment, tag, or sign G.B.s, and e-mail everyone of you back. It's not my intention to appear neglectful or as if I'm ignoring anyone. I hope that you all understand that and bear with me as I set myself on a long road to recovery. Take care!

Lady-sama | 10:44 AM on 07/10/03 

The Monkey Goes Public

Monkey Kombat is Open!

Ladies and Gentleman the collaborative effort between my husband AKa: Lord DragonBlood and his best friend: MonkeyPrinceGoku have finally opened up their site to the public! Yay! The layout was made by me a long time ago but they finally decided to put it up for showcase. This isn't your standard run of the mill webpage. There's tons to see and read about! For example, a huge fighter gallery, a Monkey Kombat tournament with a commenting system so you can interact in the fights and the infamous Monkey Blog!! Be afraid, be amazed, be astounded that I'm married to one of these guys and good friend to the other. Have fun! Just click the huge URL up above to go to their site! See you there!

Lady-sama | 08:47 PM on 07/05/03 |

Warning Really Bad Words Ahead

Please Excuse my rude, coarse, and very vulgar language because I'm angry as all get out.

Good fucking God! I just lost my best post...EVER! I just lost it. I just lost it I JUST FUCKING LOST IT!! ARGGGGGGGHHHHHH!! When am I going to learn? When am I going to frigging learn to type on a word processor and not on the message boards itself?! Goddammit it that was the absolutely best most intense most jump-out-at-your-face post I've EVER written. It was better than anything, better than anything I could EVER HOPE to write again. I was describing the epic battle between good and evil. I was telling the tale of an event that was happening before my characters eyes and I even picked up the orchestra scores to go along at certain parts of the post. I uploaded the tracks and wrote poetry into my post. When I was done I was about to *preview" the post but I accidently hit the back button on my mouse. It automatically backed me to the actual post I was replying to and lost everything I had written. Everything. God how could this happen to me... I was proud of what I wrote. I was so fucking proud that I actually wrote something good. Nothing I write even strikes me as wonderful as what I just wrote and its gone. Lost in the mother fucking space void that Yahoo creates. Never will I be able to write such a poignant story. Never will I be able to sit down and respond to that thread and curse my freak luck because this has happened to me five times before. I didn't learn... I didn't learn and now I paid for it. Shit shit SHIT I can't I was so STUPID! Fuck it then. I'm not able to face my stupidity right now. Dammit and I so wanted to post. I really wanted to post and I did and I lost it because of my clumsy self. I bet everyone is thinking so what? It's just a post. Type it again. No big deal its not like you died or anything. Well fuck no I didn't die phsycially but losing that post was like losing a part of my self. I just said good bye to a piece of me that I had just put TWO HOURS worth of my time into writing. Two hours. Oh yeah, I'm pissed off with myself right now. I had the chance to finally prove to everyone that I could write exceptionally well and I tossed it away. Two hours of soul gasping writing disappear in literal seconds. FUCK! I HATE MYSELF! Oh God, I'm going to cry now. I have so little in this life to be proud of and ....God I'm such a dumb ass...

Lady-sama | 03:04 PM on 07/05/03 

Happy 4th of July

I wish you all a safe and happy 4th of July! Take care and be safe!

Lady-sama | 01:27 AM on 07/04/03  On a Whimsy

Before I begin I want to thank my kind friends (*Yes, Robbo - you're one of them now. ^_~*) and an un-expected aquaintance for sending me e-mails full of concern, advice, and warm support. As much as I would like to blog about yesterday - I cannot. It is true that I owe you all a detailed explaination filled with graphic detail or give a vivid account of the events that occurred yesterday - but I will not. Some things are better left unspoken. That is not to say that I will not return your e-mails and give thanks to you all individually. I just ask that you all please bare with me as I cannot do it right now. I want to step into mystical reality and allow myself to be set free within the never-ending space of my imagination. I want to fully immerse myself into my art, my writing, and my rpgs. I want to just be and not do anything but think about how to colour a line-art drawing or figure out a way for my Elven Lady to not un-intentially tick off her newest human friend. I want to re-write a past post to a Space Pirate Saiya-jin and have my Cat Pirotessa find a way back to the luminious stars. In retrospect, I suppose this can be called - avoidance - but I rightly have no will to care. All that matters is that I am extremely grateful for the kindess, the support, and the prayers. Thank-you all.

Secondly, it's no secret that I alongside my husband - Lord DragonBlood have opened up a Fantasy rpg. A small moment of inspiration has hit me squarely in the jaw as I tossed and turned in my sleep. I awakened around 5 A.M and opened up my graphic editor to set to work. What I came up with is a colourized and mildly photo-manipulated picture of a Lords of the Realm original character whom is named Wren. The character is not mine and is played by a member called Neorysan. Wren is an odd elf in that he believes not in fate or magick but in the power of free will and short-term gain. Let's not forget to mention his anime-ish locks of blue hair. And so, I present - Wren, of the Azure Sky. Oh, and yes, it's a picture of Legolas from the first LOTR movie. As always, please click on the thumbnail for the full-size.

Lady-sama | 10:47 AM on 07/01/03